6 Toxic Parenting Phrases You Need to Stop Saying
Parenting
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By Lynette Kittle, Crosswalk.com
The popular saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” is so untrue. In the long run, broken bones heal within months, but words break hearts in individuals that don’t mend for a lifetime, especially phrases spoken to them by their parents.
For many children, it takes decades to recover from and overcome some phrases their parents said, with some adult kids never being able to move past them.
As loving, reassuring words can encourage and comfort us throughout our lives, unloving and discouraging phrases spoken to us by the parents we love, look up to, and depend on the most can cause just as much heartache, sorrow, and distress.
Where Do Toxic Parenting Phrases Stem From?
In our health-conscious culture today, where many parents are focused on their families eating healthily, Jesus reminds us in Matthew 15:11, that “What goes into someone’s mouth does not defile them, but what comes out of their mouth, that is what defiles them.”
So, where do these destructive parenting phrases come from in moms and dads?
Luke 6:45 reveals where toxic parenting phrases are rooted, “A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.”
As parents, we can ask God to examine our hearts and cleanse us from any unrighteousness as David did in Psalm 51:10, asking Him to “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.”
Parents Have a Sacred Responsibility
God gives all parents a sacred responsibility in giving us children—priceless gifts whose lives are entrusted to us.
Malachi 2:15 gives light on God’s expectations for us as parents, “Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth.”
Most children know when their Christian parents are falling short in how they speak to them, being the first to see the difference between sin and hypocrisy in parents who say one thing in public and another in the privacy of their homes and vehicles. If Christian parents act and talk one way in public, but behave and speak differently in private to the children, it negatively affects and influences their offspring’s thoughts about God and who He is.
It’s very destructive and gives the evil one a way into kids’ lives, to deceive and mislead children away from faith in God. Proverbs 22:6 encourages parents to “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.”
6 Toxic Phrases Parents Should Stop Saying
As parents, Ephesians 4:29 does not just give us guidance in relationships with fellow believers in Christ, but also in how we speak to our kids. “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
After God’s Word, our words are the most influential in our children's lives, even if we don’t recognize it. He is counting on us to teach them to love Him and His ways.
What we say to our children matters to them and to Him. The following are six toxic parenting phrases to stop saying to our kids.
1. “You Were an Accident” Is a Toxic Phrase
Growing up, my closest cousin told me how her parents told her she was an accident. As a kid, I didn’t know how to respond when she told me their words.
How I wish I had known then what to say. To let her know that in no way was she an accident because God planned her life. God doesn’t create accidents, only wonderful surprises, better than we could ever imagine. And my cousin is all that. Psalm 139:13 describes God’s part in her life, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.”
But in this world of self-doubt, distress, and depression, it’s a destructive phrase that can lead a child to feel unwanted, along with negatively questioning their worth and reason for being alive.
2. “I Wish You Were Never Born” Is a Toxic Phrase
Although the mother of seven children didn’t say it in those exact words, I remember sitting at a family picnic where she openly said, “If she could do it over again, she’d have fewer children.”
As a new mother myself, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Even if she felt that way deep down, why would she ever say it out loud, with all her family present? Thoughts raced through my mind as to which children she would choose to eliminate.
Although we often think we control who comes into this world, Psalm 139:16 reassures us of God’s plan for our lives, as the psalmist describes, “Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.”
3. “You’re My Favorite” Is a Toxic Phrase
Another mother of a large family would often tell her family which of her children was her favorite, a phrase that’s definitely not good for any child to hear, whether they’re the favorite or not.
The left-out children feel unloved and may start to despise the favored sibling, as in the Bible story about Joseph and his brothers. The favored children hear it and start to look at their siblings differently and think more highly of themselves.
Still, God shows us a loving way to favor our children, letting us know we’re all His favored ones, as Psalm 5:12 reminds us, “Surely, Lord, You bless the righteous; You surround them with your favor as with a shield.”
Obviously, as parents, we may relate to and understand one child more easily than another, or one who seems to excel in life more than the others, but personalities and accomplishments shouldn’t create favoritism.
Human favoritism and partiality are sinful for any parent to show to one child over the others, never mind saying it aloud and announcing it to the family. James 2:9 says it best, “But if you show favoritism, you sin and are convicted by the law as lawbreakers.”
Related:
What Does the Story of Jacob and Esau Teach Us about Favoritism in Parenting?
4. Derogatory Name-Calling Is Toxic
A parent we know often calls his children names, such as “you stupid little girl.” It’s very hard to hear and even harder to convince this Christian father to change how he speaks to them and to stop calling his kids derogatory names.
Still, Ephesians 6:4 urges, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”
With our own four daughters, we didn’t call them derogatory names or allow them to call each other belittling names. They could disagree with each other and us, but name-calling was a definite no-no and not acceptable in our family.
Yet, Colossians 3:21 urges, “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.”
In contrast, loving parenting phrases can help build up our children, as Proverbs 16:21 explains, “The wise in heart are called discerning, and gracious words promote instruction.”
5. Comparison Is Toxic
As parents, we want to stop ourselves from saying phrases that show comparison, such as, “Why can’t you be more like your sister or brother?”
As well as phrases such as “You’re just like so-and-so,” which can set a child on the same course as the person we’re comparing them to, which is usually off-course and may lead our children to believe they have no choice but to follow in their footsteps.
Likewise, phrases that compare their qualities may cause them to feel like they are deficient or less-than-others, such as “You’re too sensitive or “You’re too emotional,” meaning they are unlike most people.
Qualities that some parents may see as weaknesses may be just the ones God has given children as strengths in their lives for the purposes and plans He has prepared for them.
We as parents can encourage our children by telling them how God has formed and shaped them, as Isaiah 64:8 describes: “Yet you, Lord, are our Father. We are the clay, You are the potter; we are all the work of Your hand.”
6. Inhibiting Toxic Phrases
Some parents inhibit their children’s emotional and spiritual growth by saying things that set them up to fail, like, “You’ll never learn,” or, “Everything you do is wrong,” or, “All you do is misbehave,” leaving no room for their children to grow and mature in their lives.
Rather, as Philippians 4:13 teaches us, we can teach our children how God will help them and that “I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.”
As God is patient and long-suffering with us, giving us room to grow and mature in our relationship with Him, we as parents are called to offer that hope to our children, too, by encouraging them rather than speaking discouraging words that may echo in their hearts and minds for years to come.
We can support their growth by letting them know God is at work in their lives, as 2 Corinthians 5:17 teaches: “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!”
Related:
6 Things Every Kid Needs to Hear
10 Things Not to Say to Your Adult Children
How to Lose the Script Your Parents Gave You
